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Scientists at Cameron Community College have unearthed what they describe as “one of the most significant discoveries of early hominid fossils by untenured professors.” The nearly complete skeleton was discovered by utility workers in suburban Portland. According to foreman Huey R. Skiruinov, “It was Joe’s turn to work, so the rest of the boys and me (sick) were having a smoke when Joe noticed a bone sticking out from the hole he had dug.” The alert workers contacted scientists at CCC who arrived with the necessary implements of archeology.

Researchers were at first struck by the fibula which had already been unearthed by the utility workers and was thrown to them without a proper “heads-up.” It appeared to be shorter relative to the tibia than in modern man which, together with the structure of the metatarsal, indicated an inability to spring off the foot…a necessary prerequisite to running. The full picture began to unfold, however, when scientists reconstructed the pelvis and found a wear pattern consistent with hips being thrust out at bizarre angles during periods of locomotion. According to the chief archeologist, Dr. Will E. Fyndet, “This early hominid was clearly incapable of running as we know it but could walk very fast in what must have been a quite unique fashion.”

Some scientists conjecture that these early “speed-walkers” went extinct for several reasons: while they could clearly dig for roots and grubs, big game such as gazelles and mastodons could have easily eluded them. In addition, it is thought that this awkward manner of walking would have dispelled any thought of sexual activity on the part of other hominid species. Other scientists, however, claim that the gene pool managed to survive with remnants having been recently spotted in suburban neighborhoods.