From The Complete Moron’s Guide to Starting a Boutique Winery for Dummies (2007)Cover | 1 | 2 | 3 | 4 | 5 | 6 | 7
Managing Your Fame
Dress the part; never be seen or photographed without a fleece vest bearing your name. Really tight jeans are macho (even if you’re a woman). Become a patron of the Theatre or Symphony.
Choice of Work Vehicles
You will need an old truck, preferably pre-50’s, restored to mint condition and perhaps a land-rover. For marketing you’ll need either a BMW, Mercedes, Jaguar or vintage Porsche … this establishes credibility. Would you buy a $60 bottle of wine from someone driving a Chevette?
Never answer your own phone. Better yet, decree that nobody answers the phone, ever.
Always blame all problems and inconsistencies on the staff (even if you don’t have one). Migrant workers are especially inviting targets in this regard.
Always be seen drinking your own wine. Remember that every diningexperience is BYOB speak loudly and drop “buzz words” (E.g. “crush”, “mycellar”, “95 points”, “Brix”, *’Naked Women in my fermenter”, “Bobby loved it”). Other diners will immediately form an opinion about you and ascertainthat you are important!
Never tell a sommelier or wine steward who you are but if you get charged corkage for your BYOB bottles, ask loudly and with indignation “Do you know who I am?”
In the Restaurant: Have someone call you on your cell phone: say loudly, so other diners can hear, “Tell Charlie Trotter 2 cases and that’s it!”
Begin by selecting a morsel below or from the sandy column just to the right -->
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