La Nuova Cuchina Per il Buongustaio
Those of you familiar with our previous edition of Nouvelle Cuisine for Travellers will be familiar with the format used in this new edition, which is dedicated to Italian cuisine. This guide will help you to survive in upscale Italian restaurants. In fact, if you make diligent use of our phrases and reveal your knowledge of the menu items listed herein, you are guaranteed an evening beyond your imagination. For best results, we recommend that you effect attitudes and mannerisms consistent with real live Italians. This includes, but is not limited to, extensive use of one’s hands and loud and boisterous behavior.
About the Menu
Upon arriving at the restaurant it is necessary to establish early on that you are aware that some items on the menu are actually food while others are not. As with the previous edition we have taken the liberty to include a small “e” (edible) or “n” (not) next to each item. First find one of the nonedible items on your menu, for example, Denti di Elefante. When the waiter approaches the table point to that item on the menu, laugh loudly and exclaim, “What happens when an elephant steps on you?” The waiter will pretend to not understand what you are talking about so as not to alert unwary guests. Give him a knowing wink and your evening will be off to a great start. If he continues to stand there with an incredulous look on his face, this is a way of signaling you to pick one more nonfood item from the menu (in more primitive species this is referred to as “establishing dominance”). The more difficult item that you can pick at this point, the greater will be your dominant position. For example, pointing to “coppa di fili” and loudly exclaiming, “‘Coppa di fili’…hey, isn’t that tor the hack of a movie theatre? Ha, ha!” will establish your place in the restaurant for the balance of the evening and win you the respect and admiration of other restaurant patrons.
Because we want you to receive full credit for your restaurant prowess (and because our lawyers have insisted on it) we refuse to take credit for any results which you may achieve by using our guide.
Bagna Cauda (n) Italian Document written in 1215
Pane alla Salvia (n) Spit Bucket
Frutti di Mare (e) Mr. Ed’s Wife
Vermicelli (e) Rodents with large violins
Denti di Elefante (n) What happens when an elephant steps on you
Gnocco uopo (e) Spumanti and no prophylactics
Consomme marinara (e) Wedding night activity
Crema di fagioli bicolore Even Cameron won’t touch this
Pesto (n) What an Italian magician says
Spezzatino di Polla (e) Chicken sperm
Trippa alla funghi (e) Hallucinogenic mushrooms
Culingiones Pecarino (e) Abnormal, wrong, and perverse behavior
Anitra Arrosto con ButaEuoco (n) Senate Judiciary Committee
Oca Conservata (e) Goose with 2 right wings
Monte Bianca (n) What Mick Jagger did with his ex-wife
Torta di Noci (n) Street Walker
Carteddate (n) What the waiter does to an underaged date
Lamponi (n) Italian humor magazine
Granita (n) Rocks
Coppa di fili (n) What you do in the back of a movie theatre
Suovo Affecto (n) Alberto Tombo
Cynar (n) One who hath fallen short of the glory of God
Vorrei noleggiare una macchina Watch it, that machine could cut your legs off.
Da dove viene questo vino? Did that bird just shit in your wine?
Per favore, mi porti una caraffa di spumanti Please bring me something to spit into.
Il cibo e Freddo You’ll find it at Freddy’s
Cameriere! Per favore, controlli la bicchiere Comrade, please control your wife
Quelle grappa era e il carburane piumorbida That grappa was the smoothest rocket fuel
…che abbia mai assaggiato. …I’ve ever tasted.
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