The French, Pressed
While the wines of New Zealand and Australia have become hot items on the world market, the French are trying to make them even hotter. The city of Marseille wasn’t real enthusiastic about detonating a nuclear bomb in their harbor, so the French government decided to move it to Tahiti where the happy natives run around in grass skirts and love everything French. As it turns out, the Kiwis and Aussies figure their wines are hot enough and are a mite bit pissed off at the French.
When we heard that the prostitutes in Australia were boycotting French Ticklers and other equally delectable items, we thought that we should stand in solidarity with our friends Down Under and boycott French products. Our first order of business was to make a list of all the items from France that we would need to boycott. That was where we met our first problem-my wife certainly wasn’t going to boycott French kissing and I found that it was tough to get away from those pesky French Oak barrels. I didn’t know how to tell my daughter that she was going to have to forego listening to Georges Brassens and Edith Piaf and my son loves creme brule. In the end, however, we made a significant number of sacrifices: French automobiles, poodles and other French yip yaps; anything involving entrails; clove cigarettes; frog legs; Bordeaux (and while we’re at it, why not California Cabernet?); cafe au lait (cappucinos are trendier anyway); French wine equipment; bidets (they’re fun when you’re traveling but we figured we had to draw the line somewhere); French manicures; French letters (not the literary type); Fieurs de Lys, Dijon mustard (reputable sources tell me that the mustard seed is from Canada anyway); and, last but certainly not least, “bureaucrats,” one of the most beloved French gifts to modern society.
There were a few items which we thought should be left up to the discretion of the individual (the inevitable “grey area”). These include but are certainly not limited to: RU-486; french fries; foie gras de canard; Brie (not to mention Morbier, Camembert and Rocquefort); Clinique, de Bussey; cornishons; Burgundy (but hey-you can stock up on Oregon Pinot noir instead); creme caramel and, once we realized that we had a good stash in the cellar, Champagne.
In the end, we decided that it would all be a good deal easier if the French would just come to their senses and cease all this silly arrogance (or at least conduct their tests in Marseille).
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